A year ago when i arrived in New York, I felt like an empty vessel.
All I wanted to do was being liked by others. I didn’t even realize what an impact I had on other people, how much I hurt them or attracted others to me because they saw me as easy-to-control. ‘Oh, she is new to this place, I will protect her’. (Please? I am getting along better in New York than some who have lived here forever.)
My walls were so high that I often blanked out and for the past 12 years I lost myself so much, that I didn’t even feel myself.
I remember my Ma and me at singing lessons.
She said: hold your hands up high and feel your hands tingle.
I hardly ever did.
It’s amazing what a ‘normal’ life you can have as a puppet ~ a robot.
Empty eyes, sadness, and this urge to finally wake up, live your own life…
When I was a young girl, I had the most beautiful life someone could ever imagine. My dad might have not always been there, being on tour as a conductor, but oh, I had two wonderful parents, who truly and deeply loved me… not to mention they still love me – to the moon and back – as this wonderful saying goes… 😉
And eventhough my parents aren’t together anymore, their love for me is what will always keep us together, as a team.
But these thoughts of emptiness and sadness are often not even your thoughts – these are thoughts of the mass consciousness.
You are controlled by something else, a higher authority. Your thoughts, your brain only spit out things that you have been told by others.
Thoughts are always there, like the many radio channels we can listen to any second of the day… – the question is, what do you tune in to…?
Going through a lot of trauma of losing many people and going through a depression and the desire of everybody loving me, I started to live my life in a very passive way. Back then half of my life was watching tv. Instead of having real experiences. I lived through others’ eyes. Through Tv, books and my friends’ stories. I lived as the girl-next-door or even as my own supporting role.
I don’t regret it. This has definitely been an interesting journey. And I learned a lot just by listening to other peoples’ experiences.
But I’ve awakened now. I embrace my former self and kiss it goodbye, say hello to the strong, most beautiful version of myself ~ the strong entertainer, healer, goddess who is meant for something great here on earth ~ for my life is just beginning now and I won’t let my mind dictate what my heart knows is going to be.